NetWellness Domestic Violence

My best friend is battered

Cathy McDaniels-Wilson PhD — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:11:00 EST

Question: By keeping quiet about my friend being abused, I felt I was allowing and participating in the abuse. She has distanced herself from her friends, she is not forthcoming,but when the cycle gets bad does run to me for comfort and understanding. Seeing her with black eyes made me fear for her life and I . . .

Answer: You are to be applauded for your efforts. Many times we do not take action but sit back--and "dire things"' DO happen. You spoke up because you care, and you were worried about your friend's safety. You were clearly concerned about her physical and emotional health. Perhaps you felt morally obligate . . .

Ask an Expert: Cathy McDaniels-Wilson PhD, Domestic Violence

Am I Being Abused By My B/F, or is it Me?

Amy Bonomi PhD, MPH — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 02:06:00 EST

Question: Hope someone can shed some light on my situation. I am a freelace artist & for the past 3 years my boyfriend has been pushing me to break into comics. He loves comics & really wants to break in as a writer. It`s an extremely difficult field to get into and I feel being an artist is hard, especially . . .

Answer: Without knowing more about the dynamics in your relationship, it's hard to know whether you're "pushing your partner's buttons." It's also unclear to know the motivation for your partner's behaviors; there are many theories to explain the unjust use of power and control in intimate relationships, wh . . .

Ask an Expert: Amy Bonomi PhD, MPH, Domestic Violence

Should I leave?

Amy Bonomi PhD, MPH — Tue, 06 May 2008 15:05:00 EST

Question: I have been in a relationship with boyfriend for three and half years. Living with him for one year. There has been verbal, emotional and physical abuse for two and a half years. He has stopped physical abuse for two months but verbal and emotional abuse has not. I am college degreed professional wh . . .

Answer:

My advice is for you to begin taking steps to leave this relationship. If this type of abuse has been going on for 3 plus years, it is time to make plans to exit this relationship no matter how many "benefits" you may be receiving from it. Your experience alone is enough justification for you to . . .

Ask an Expert: Amy Bonomi PhD, MPH, Domestic Violence

Dealing with Sister of Domestic Violence

Amy Bonomi PhD, MPH — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 19:02:00 EST

Question: I feel like my sister uses me when she gets abused from her husband. I even went to court with her to get a PFA for 6 months. She got granted it and her husband had to go to drug rehab and anger management. Well, she voided the PFA and now she is telling us that he is back at home. And that no rehab . . .

Answer:

Thank you for your question. Two things are important here:

1) Domestic violence is cyclical - there is an outbreak of violence followed by an apology period ("I promise it will never happen again") followed by a honeymoon period (things are great; flowers, candy, etc.) follo . . .

Ask an Expert: Amy Bonomi PhD, MPH, Domestic Violence

Confronting Someone in An Abusive Relationship

Cathy McDaniels-Wilson PhD — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 23:06:00 EST

Question: I`ve recently started seeing a girl who is in a, long term abusive relationship. Her parents know about it but yet they do nothing about it. So she has been with her boyfriend for 5 years and, he doesn't hit her everyday but he does hit her, and as of a few weeks ago he tried to rape her. He control . . .

Answer: I think you have identified many important elements of a battered woman and the battering cycle. Her circumstances sound "entrapping." I think you are smart to be mindful of what you could inherit if significant changes do not occur before you say "I do." Perhaps gently educating her about intimate . . .

Ask an Expert: Cathy McDaniels-Wilson PhD, Domestic Violence

Ending and Abusive and Controlling Relationship

Amy Bonomi PhD, MPH — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 13:04:00 EST

Question: I have been in a relationship with a man from work since last August. He seemed so good so sweet. After about 2 weeks he got mad at me because I was talking on my cell phone to an ex-boyfriend who is was just a friend and also to another guy that is and always was just a friend. At that point he sta . . .

Answer:

Thank you for sharing your experience. The key to what you shared is your statement that your boyfriend "seemed so good and sweet." You used the past tense, which suggests that you no longer interpret your boyfriend as good and sweet. And in fact, the descriptions of your interactions would be co . . .

Ask an Expert: Amy Bonomi PhD, MPH, Domestic Violence

Helping an Abusive Partner

Amy Bonomi PhD, MPH — Sat, 24 Mar 2007 14:03:00 EST

Question: I live with a man who is the nicest person in the world one minute and then the very next minute I am with a monster. I feel like I am on a constant emotional rollercoast ride. He likes to be charge of everything, and I must do it his way, if things are not his way, he throws a tantrum... I have an . . .

Answer:

Additional information from NetWellness Expert Cathy McDaniels-Wilson, PhD:

Of course, without knowing additional details regarding his emotional/personality functioning, this sounds like someone who may be suffering from either a mood disorder or perhaps personality issues. The fact that he l . . .

Ask an Expert: Amy Bonomi PhD, MPH, Domestic Violence

Seekign Protection from Domestic Violence

Amy Bonomi PhD, MPH — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 16:12:00 EST

Question: Where do most victims go to seek protection?

Answer:

People who experience domestic violence seek protection in a number of ways and places. Some may seek residential shelter with friends, family, or designated domestic violence shelters in order to protect themselves (and their children and pets) from immediate dangerous situations invo . . .

Ask an Expert: Amy Bonomi PhD, MPH, Domestic Violence

Getting Help Exiting an Abusive Relationship

Cathy McDaniels-Wilson PhD — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 14:10:00 EST

Question: I am in an abusive relationship right now and have been for 14 months. I've left quite a few times and always go back. I don't understand why I can't just leave him behind me and not look back. It seems like I'm always depressed and there's not a day when I'm happy for the whole day. Half the reason . . .

Answer:

Well, I want to begin by normalizing your question. Many women find themselves in relationships that they know on some level are not good for them, but why do they choose to stay?

You yourself named one big reason why many stay - and that is, hope. They hope he will change and become . . .

Ask an Expert: Cathy McDaniels-Wilson PhD, Domestic Violence

Discussing an Abusive Relationship

Cathy McDaniels-Wilson PhD — Mon, 25 Sep 2006 10:09:00 EST

Question: I believe my sister-in-law and kids are being abused. She and her husband have been having problems for quite some time. A year ago, he admitted (after being caught) to having an affair for the previous 4-5 years. He is always belittling her and their kids. He has a quick temper and my husband and I . . .

Answer:

This is a difficult situation. I think if you voice your concern from the perspective of how it impacts you, it may open the lines of communication.

For example, instead of making statements that are accusatory, you could say, "I feel really concerned and scared when I see how hard he hi . . .

Ask an Expert: Cathy McDaniels-Wilson PhD, Domestic Violence