Domestic Violence

Do You Live in Fear of Your Partner?

When you live in fear of your partner, the scariest part might be admitting you have a problem. . . Fear

Answer these questions to see if you might be in trouble:

Does your partner . . .

Question you about where you've been?
Constantly accuse you of cheating?
Criticize you for little things?
Try to keep you from having close relationships with your friends and family?
Prevent you from working or going to school?
Withdraw into silence and expect you to figure out what you've done wrong?
Control all of your money and demand to know, in detail, what you spend?
Humiliate you in front of others?
Destroy your personal property or sentimental items?
Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or your children?
Drive recklessly with you in the car when angry at you?
Force you to have sex against your will?
Use, or threaten to use, a weapon against you?
Threaten to kill you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be in trouble. And if you answered yes to more than one, chances are, you live in fear. You are not alone: Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women in the United States. End the violence in your life.

Women and men who experience violent or abusive relationships are often hurt and controlled by someone they love. But, everyday, people just like you take the steps necessary to end violence in their lives.

Get the help you need:

If you are in danger, act quickly to protect yourself and your family:

Call 911. Even if you love your partner, violence is dangerous to you and your family. Call 911 or the police if you think your safety is at risk.
Contact a shelter or crisis center
Stay with family or friends
Take legal action such as getting a "restraining order"

In case of a violent argument, have a plan.

Sometimes you can't avoid an argument. But you can make sure you have a plan.

Try to have the argument in a room with an exit. Don't get stuck in a bathroom, kitchen, or anywhere near weapons.
Keep a packed bag ready. Keep it in a secret, convenient place so that you can leave quickly.
Ask a neighbor to call the police if they hear a disturbance coming from your home.
Think of a code word to use with your children, family, friends, and neighbors when you need the police.

Have a plan - where will you go if you need to leave home? Have this plan even if you don't believe you will ever have to use it. Consider the following:

- Where would you stay if you had to leave home?

- Who would lend you some money?

- Have a plan for your children. Try to take them with you or find them a safe place.

- Leave emergency money, extra keys, copies of important papers, and extra clothes with someone you trust.

- Open a savings account in your name to establish or increase your financial independence.

- Keep shelter numbers close by, and keep change or a calling card with you at all times.

Go over your plan with a counselor from a domestic violence shelter.

Get help and stay safe: shelters, counseling and assistance

Save your emotional and physical health. Say "no!" to physical and emotional abuse in your life. Help is available.

Ask yourself these questions:

When can I begin counseling?
Where can I find a support group?
Who will offer support to me? To my children?
Where can I find books and information to help me with my decision to end abuse in my home?

Most cities have women's shelters that can help you answer all these questions.

In Ohio, call toll free 1-800-934-9840 for help finding a shelter, counseling, and assistance.

From anywhere else in the United States, call toll free 1-800-799-SAFE for help finding a shelter, counseling, and assistance in your area.

If you need to leave home

If you need to leave your home, use this checklist to make sure you have everything you need:

Your house and car keys

Any medications or prescriptions

Money, credit cards, ATM cards, and telephone calling card if possible

Checkbooks, bankbooks, and withdrawal slips

If you have any of the following, bring them with you:

Identification

Driver's license, car title, and registration

Children's birth certificates

Your birth and marriage certificate

Lease, rental agreement, house deed

Health insurance or medical card

Insurance papers

Address book

Medical records for all family members

Social security card for you and children

Welfare identification

School records

Work permits

Green card and immigration papers

Any passports you and your children may have

Divorce papers and any custody orders you have

Any restraining orders

Any jewelry you might have

Small objects you can sell

Children's small toys

Pictures

Pets - if you can

Domestic violence is the single largest cause of injury to women in the United States. More common than accidents, muggings and rapes combined, woman battering is the most under-reported crime in America.

What is a restraining order?

When criminal charges are filed against your abuser, tell the police and the court that you want a "restraining order." A restraining is an official court order that tells your abuser to stay away from you.

You may qualify to get a "civil restraining order" from your local domestic court. Only this kind of order may give you temporary custody of your children.

If a restraining order is issued, keep these items in mind:

Restraining orders expire; make sure you know when yours does.
Keep your restraining order with you at all times. Leave extra copies at work, with a friend, in your car, etc.
Call the police if your abuser disobeys the order.
Think of ways to keep safe while waiting for the police to respond to your call.
Tell your family, friends, and neighbors that you have a restraining order.
Try to avoid places where you might run into your abuser.

Your local women's shelter can give you more information about restraining orders and how to get a restraining order in your area.

In Ohio, call toll free 1-800-934-9840 for information on how to get a restraining order in your area.

Nationwide, call toll free 1-800-799-SAFE for information on how to get a restraining order.

Follow these tips on how to stay safe at work and at home:

Stay safe at work

- Tell someone at work about your situation.
- Provide your office or building security with a picture of your abuser.
- Screen your telephone calls.
- When you leave work, have someone walk you to your car.
- Use different routes home from work.

Stay safe at home

- Tell neighbors and landlord that your partner no longer lives with you.
- Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home.
- Make a safety plan for your children and rehearse it.
- Give your children's school or daycare a copy of your restraining order.
- Make sure schools and daycare know who is allowed to get your children.
- Change your locks.
- Change your phone number.

Recognize Abuse Beyond Physical Violence

Even if your partner doesn't hit you, you may suffer from emotional abuse. Abuse doesn't always mean hitting or other kinds of physical violence. If your partner tries to control, bully, or intimidate you, you are being emotionally abused. This kind of abuse can be just as devastating as physical abuse. Take action to end emotional abuse in your home.

It's not your fault, but it is your problem

You are not responsible your partner's abusive behavior. And, no one should be expected to live with abuse.

Even though you are not responsible for the abusive behavior, you are responsible for getting help. There are agencies and counselors available to help you, your children, and your partner, to end the cycle of abuse and violence.

What is happening to you is NOT YOUR FAULT. The abuser is responsible. You should not be expected to live with violence.

For more information:

Go to the Domestic Violence health topic, where you can:

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Ask your own question.

Last Reviewed: Oct 03, 2003

Kenneth Davis, Jr., MD, FACS
Professor of Surgery and Clinical Anesthesia
Vice Chairman Dept of Surgery
Department of Surgery
College of Medicine
University of Cincinnati

-	Where would you stay if you had to leave home?
-	Who would lend you some money?
-	Have a plan for your children. Try to take them with you or find them a safe place.
-	Leave emergency money, extra keys, copies of important papers, and extra clothes with someone you trust.
-	Open a savings account in your name to establish or increase your financial independence.
-	Keep shelter numbers close by, and keep change or a calling card with you at all times.