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Mental Health

Identifying Personal Issues Within a Relationship

11/20/2007

Question:

I am 27yrs,I have been in a relationship for one year and there have been many ups and downs,...and many breakups and returns. Today, we are more conscious about what we want and neither of us is ready to get married...we will be soon! most of our conflicts are that I am too excited and attached to him and he wanted to make it logical. I have always been impatient and needed to feel secure, by knowing his feelings toward me and judging his words and actions. I have been miserable for a long time and I have made him worried and anxious about it. What I am asking for is a new program in my life, I want to change myself to be suitable for him so we can get married and have a peaceful successful marriage. What should I do so I can slow down until he gets ready? What topic u recommend me to read in regards?

Answer:

Thank you for your question.

You deserve credit for not rushing into the commitment that marriage should be. I also commend you for wanting to improve yourself individually, hoping that this will improve your relationship.

You pose at least three open questions:

(1) What do you want to "change" about yourself prior to marriage?

(2) Are you and your boyfriend going at different rates, such that you see a need to "slow down" relative to him?

(3) How will your boyfriend or you know when he is "ready" for marriage?

The answers to these questions are not simple. If they were, you would have had the answers long ago. No single "self-help" book would be tailor-made to your situation.

Seeing that you are open to learning about yourself and change, I recommend that you consider an evaluation with a psychotherapist. The process of psychotherapy suits an individual person interested in learning and change. It can be powerful and enhancing.

For more information:

Go to the Mental Health health topic, where you can:

Response by:

Ram Chandran  Kalyanam, MD Ram Chandran Kalyanam, MD
Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry
College of Medicine
The Ohio State University