Question:

my sons father recently got remarried and he has our 8 year old son soon to be 9 and his new stepdaughter which is 7 sleeping in the same bed is this okay?

Answer:

That is really a complex question for many reasons. There is the issue of cultural acceptability right at the top. In many cultures all children sleep together on whatever shared bedding is available, especially when they are brothers and sisters. More common is the separation of males sleeping together and females sleeping together separately. Depending on your religious preferences and beliefs it may be absolutely unacceptable for male and female children to sleep together or acceptable up until puberty. 

I think a very important point of view to consider for everyone involved is what do the children want? What are they comfortable with? By six years of age, normal children have feelings about modesty not only with same sex peers but also the opposite sex. During the school age years it is also normal for boys and girls to socialize and play in same sex groups. The sleeping arrangement may be truly uncomfortable for the children. If they are prepubertal, I think their preferences should be the top consideration of the adults in their lives. Forcing them to share a bed that produces tense and unhappy feelings in the two children will not help them learn to like each other more quickly, if that is the thought behind the shared bed arrangement. On the other hand, if they are OK with it for now, it gives your former husband and his new wife a little time to plan for the coming pubertal years when this sleeping arrangement will probably not be acceptable to either child.

I think it would be helpful to you and to everyone else involved, to have an open, calm discussion about the sleeping arrangements, with each child welcomed to speak up about what they want and how they feel. There are so many painful and complicated feelings for both parents and children when parents divorce and remarry. It is most protective of the future mental health of children that the adults are polite, calm, and positive about one another and when the well being of the children involved is the top priority. Research shows that parental fighting, sniping, and put downs is very harmful to kids into their adult years. Children are so vulnerable to these types of tremendous changes in their lives, they need to be heard and respected just as much as the adults do. A good rule for these types of meetings is to insist that each person start with an “I feel..” statement without exception, so that no one goes into blaming and accusing. For example, “I feel concerned about our son sharing a bed with ___’s daughter. I wonder how they feel about the sleeping arrangement?” Sometimes it even helps to have a large cutout of the letter “I” that is handed around to each speaker when it is is his or her turn to speak. It helps keep order and civility.

I hope this information is helpful and that your former husband and his new wife will be willing to hear your concerns and act on the preferences of the children.

For more information:

Go to the Children’s Health health topic.